Day 29 - About Gillian Alton

Oct 29th, 2024 - I was flipping through my pictures today to inspire today's blog post and came across this one. It got me thinking about stillness. 

Before cancer, stillness made me nervous. I was always so busy and if I was still, my brain started thinking of all the things I should or could be doing at that moment. Stillness was a hindrance to me obtaining my goals. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer, stillness scared me. I tried to keep busy and keep my mind distracted because if I didn't, my mind would wander to the what if's... what if they have to remove one or both of my breasts, what if I lose my hair, what if I don't survive this... the what if's were endless and consuming. 

During cancer treatment stillness still made me nervous, but for other reasons. I spent a lot of time being still, but it was mainly because I was too weak to be able to move. My what if's gravitated towards what if I never get better, what if I never feel like myself again, what if I go through all of this suffering and the cancer returns anyway. 

Slowly but surely, I have learned to embrace the stillness. I am still a work in progress, but stillness doesn't scare me as much as it once did. I have learned that I am strong, resilient and grateful. We never know what life holds for us, and embracing the stillness allows us to reflect on where we have been, where we are and where we want to go in the future.